The Bookshelf Method: How to set Relationship Boundaries (ADHD-friendly!)
THEY BELONG ON A BOOKSHELF!
Or: Put That Thing Back Where It Came From or So Help Me
So as some of you know, I’ve started going to a new therapist, and during my last session, I was telling her about this person in my life who really stresses me out. Without going into too much detail, I feel exposed and vulnerable in ways with this person that I don’t with literally anyone else that I actively interact with.
The following is paraphrased but I think faithfully captured!
“So can you just put [them] on a shelf?” asked my therapist.
At first, I didn’t get it.
“... Put them on a shelf?”
“Yeah. You know [facts about this person], and you don’t feel safe with them sometimes. It’s okay to say ‘you know what, this person needs to be classified as not safe’, because even though they can be nice, you can’t trust that they mean it. They’ve demonstrated that they’re [insert toxic qualities]. It’s okay to put them back on their shelf and let yourself be at peace with it.”
She asked me another question that helped it click: “How old do you feel when you're around this person? Why?”
I thought about it. “19, maybe 20?” I said. “[Insert reasons and past issues this person evokes].”
“And how old are you actually?”
“32.”
“Right. So this person makes you feel like you’re twenty-ish - maybe less powerful, less confident, like you can't trust your own judgment. That's a signal.
When someone consistently makes you feel smaller or younger than you actually are, that tells you something about where they belong in your life.”
So that’s how I got to the idea of actually making the bookshelf.
Because here’s the thing: relationships aren’t stagnant, and that’s something I haven’t really thought about before talking to my therapist.
It’s okay that I started feeling differently about someone because they showed me a different part of them, and it’s okay that I need to classify them in my head differently as a result. This isn’t about insulting or being down on someone. The Bookshelf Method is a way to identify your relationships with different people so you can understand the boundaries you need to keep with them.
But why a bookshelf? (you may be thinking to yourself)
Let’s be completely honest with each other; if I don’t look at something, it doesn’t exist. A concrete, visual system helps me understand abstract things like boundaries.
Now picture this. You walk in to your local library, bookstore, or record store looking for something — and you know how to find things immediately, because there is an organizational system in place. It might be the Dewey Decimal System, it might be by author, it might be by genre and then alphabetical, but there’s some manner of organization to make it useful.
The same principle can be applied to relationships. When you can organize the people in your life by how they make you feel and the boundaries you need to keep with them, you can navigate your world more intentionally. Know you’re going to see that one dreaded neighbor at the Halloween Potluck? Maybe don’t also call your Internet provider the same day. Really excited to see that one cousin everyone loves? Don’t dash it by also bringing Toxic Tina.
So how do I organize my relationships?
I’m calling it the Squady Decimal System — because that makes me happy.
Think of the categories of people in your life (the following are just examples, you absolutely don’t have to use them but they’re the ones I’m starting with):
Core Group/Always Accessible - closest relationships, full trust.
Think “who can I call at 3am without question?”
Trusted Circle - close, but with some boundaries
Casual Friends - close but not deep
Acquaintances - neutral, surface-level
Boundaries needed - proceed with caution
Restricted Access - protect yourself from these people.
Closing Thoughts:
Remember: The Bookshelf Method isn't about being mean or writing people off forever. It's about protecting your peace and managing your energy.
People can move between shelves as relationships change - and that's okay. Someone who's "Boundaries Needed" today might become "Casual Friends" later if they show you different behavior. Or someone you thought was "Trusted Circle" might need to move to a lower shelf when they show you who they really are.
The goal isn't to have everyone on the top shelf. The goal is to know where people belong right now so you can show up as your best self - without burning out trying to give everyone the same level of access to you.
So grab your metaphorical bookshelf and start organizing. Your peace of mind will thank you.
